It has been ages since I've been able to write. This has probably been the most full year of my life. Lots of ups and downs and twists and turns. Great moments and ones I'd prefer to forget. So it hasn't been for lack of material that I have struggled to turn my thoughts into words. But for one reason or another, I just couldn't find them. I sat in front of my computer for months on end while the cursor blinked at me and the words just wouldn't come. But I finally felt that familiar ache in my chest... the one that happens when I have something to say and know how I want to say it. So here it is! A letter to 16-year-old me. Because what better way to sum up so many things than to throw it all together?
Dear 16-Year-Old Jill,
You have always been a dreamer. Always been one to fantasize about tomorrow, next month, next year... All of the possibilities that could be your life one day far from now. Right now you're probably replaying your first kiss about a thousand times a day in your head or planning for next year when you'll be a junior and finally get to go to prom. Or thinking about how it's going to feel when you're a senior and you're 18 and you finally feel like a real person. I've got news: you have no idea what you're in for.
So much is going to happen in the next ten years. You're going to go to not just one, but THREE colleges. (I promise, it makes for a great conversation starter years down the road). You're going to turn into a nerd and your siblings are going to think it's weird. But it's going to make your parents proud. Your early twenties are going to fly by a lot faster than you'd expect. And they're not going to look at all like what you think they will. In some ways, they're better than you imagined. In some ways, they're not.
Believe it or not, 25 is not actually going to be a point in your life when you finally have "it" figured out. In fact, you'll have passed 25 and gotten well into year 26 when you realize you're not even sure what "it" is. But don't worry. The secret to adulthood that they don't tell you when you're young is that nobody actually knows what they're doing. They just pretend like they do until they stumble into themselves and act like it was on purpose.
Nothing will prepare you for what it will feel like when your grandpa dies. Or when you lose your first person to cancer. It's better than you think and worse than you think at the same time, which sounds crazy, I know. But you're one of the lucky ones because you're going to have time; to grieve and reminisce and say all of the things that a person needs to say before it's time for goodbyes. You're going to get to hold Grandpa's hand when he slips away and you're going to feel it in your bones that he knew you were there when he finally let go. That will give you peace in the days that follow. There are parts inside of you that will ache in moments you don't expect. And sometimes you'll still be caught off guard when you realize he's no longer here, even though enough time has passed to get used to him being gone. You're going to feel guilty for not being as good with your promise to see Grandma more, but forgive yourself. You've done the best you know how.
Years and years of mom and dad's hard work are finally going to pay off. He's is going to sell the amazing company he has built and they're going to fly south for a new adventure. (This will also happen to be the worst winter in recent memory. Be sure to have a very warm coat). You're going to be bursting with pride for the things they have done and you're going to feel elated because at 54 years old, your parents are finally doing something for themselves. And having a blast doing it together.
You're going to get your heart broken. And it'll surprise you because it hurts a lot more than you thought it would. Just stay focused on the things that make you feel whole. Parts of you will feel broken for longer than you'd like, but you'll get there. These things just take time.
Choose to keep the people who lift you up and let go of the ones who don't. This is something you're going to struggle with your entire young adult life. People are going to use you and let you down. They're going to lie to you and deceive you. It's going to be hard to swallow at first. And at times, hard to recognize. But holding onto anger and bitterness does nothing but drag you down, and you are not meant for low places. I'm not going to tell you not to feel it. By all means, roll around in the way it feels and let it soak into your bones. This is how you will learn. But don't linger too long or it will consume you. Trust me... Nothing feels quite as good as moving on and living a great freaking life.
Sometimes you're going to feel lonely. Especially when all your friends are getting engaged and getting married and buying houses and having kids. But don't rush. You don't want to rush the things you want to last forever. And everything will fall into place eventually. In the meantime, get excited. Because you're going to meet some really amazing people completely out of the blue. Hold onto them. Life doesn't serve genuine friends like them up very often. Oh, and be prepared. When your best friend has a baby, it's going to be awesome. You might think it's pretty weird now, but the miracle of life is actually a thing. And it's going to knock your socks off.
Dating. Oh man... dating is not going to be your forte. I know you probably assumed it was something you'd get better at once you got through college and had a little bit of real life under your belt... Nope. It's awkward and uncomfortable and you psych yourself out more than the average twenty-something girl. But when it comes to trying to get out of a first date, just swallow your fears and go. If nothing else, they end up giving you some really great stories.
You're going to wish you had taken more chances. But trust me, when the time is right, you'll know. It's not going to be easy to put yourself first. You'll struggle to push aside expectations from people in your life... you have wrapped them around you like a life vest, but eventually you realize that it just makes it harder to breathe. Be brave and let them go. You're going to be surprised with what you choose for yourself. Just remember: there is no deadline. Whatever happens is going to happen right on time.
I just want you to be bold. It isn't always easy. And sometimes you're not going to get it right the first time. But don't ever stop trying. I promise you... the best days of your life are still ahead.
XO
Dear 16-Year-Old Jill,
You have always been a dreamer. Always been one to fantasize about tomorrow, next month, next year... All of the possibilities that could be your life one day far from now. Right now you're probably replaying your first kiss about a thousand times a day in your head or planning for next year when you'll be a junior and finally get to go to prom. Or thinking about how it's going to feel when you're a senior and you're 18 and you finally feel like a real person. I've got news: you have no idea what you're in for.
So much is going to happen in the next ten years. You're going to go to not just one, but THREE colleges. (I promise, it makes for a great conversation starter years down the road). You're going to turn into a nerd and your siblings are going to think it's weird. But it's going to make your parents proud. Your early twenties are going to fly by a lot faster than you'd expect. And they're not going to look at all like what you think they will. In some ways, they're better than you imagined. In some ways, they're not.
Believe it or not, 25 is not actually going to be a point in your life when you finally have "it" figured out. In fact, you'll have passed 25 and gotten well into year 26 when you realize you're not even sure what "it" is. But don't worry. The secret to adulthood that they don't tell you when you're young is that nobody actually knows what they're doing. They just pretend like they do until they stumble into themselves and act like it was on purpose.
Nothing will prepare you for what it will feel like when your grandpa dies. Or when you lose your first person to cancer. It's better than you think and worse than you think at the same time, which sounds crazy, I know. But you're one of the lucky ones because you're going to have time; to grieve and reminisce and say all of the things that a person needs to say before it's time for goodbyes. You're going to get to hold Grandpa's hand when he slips away and you're going to feel it in your bones that he knew you were there when he finally let go. That will give you peace in the days that follow. There are parts inside of you that will ache in moments you don't expect. And sometimes you'll still be caught off guard when you realize he's no longer here, even though enough time has passed to get used to him being gone. You're going to feel guilty for not being as good with your promise to see Grandma more, but forgive yourself. You've done the best you know how.
Years and years of mom and dad's hard work are finally going to pay off. He's is going to sell the amazing company he has built and they're going to fly south for a new adventure. (This will also happen to be the worst winter in recent memory. Be sure to have a very warm coat). You're going to be bursting with pride for the things they have done and you're going to feel elated because at 54 years old, your parents are finally doing something for themselves. And having a blast doing it together.
You're going to get your heart broken. And it'll surprise you because it hurts a lot more than you thought it would. Just stay focused on the things that make you feel whole. Parts of you will feel broken for longer than you'd like, but you'll get there. These things just take time.
Choose to keep the people who lift you up and let go of the ones who don't. This is something you're going to struggle with your entire young adult life. People are going to use you and let you down. They're going to lie to you and deceive you. It's going to be hard to swallow at first. And at times, hard to recognize. But holding onto anger and bitterness does nothing but drag you down, and you are not meant for low places. I'm not going to tell you not to feel it. By all means, roll around in the way it feels and let it soak into your bones. This is how you will learn. But don't linger too long or it will consume you. Trust me... Nothing feels quite as good as moving on and living a great freaking life.
Sometimes you're going to feel lonely. Especially when all your friends are getting engaged and getting married and buying houses and having kids. But don't rush. You don't want to rush the things you want to last forever. And everything will fall into place eventually. In the meantime, get excited. Because you're going to meet some really amazing people completely out of the blue. Hold onto them. Life doesn't serve genuine friends like them up very often. Oh, and be prepared. When your best friend has a baby, it's going to be awesome. You might think it's pretty weird now, but the miracle of life is actually a thing. And it's going to knock your socks off.
Dating. Oh man... dating is not going to be your forte. I know you probably assumed it was something you'd get better at once you got through college and had a little bit of real life under your belt... Nope. It's awkward and uncomfortable and you psych yourself out more than the average twenty-something girl. But when it comes to trying to get out of a first date, just swallow your fears and go. If nothing else, they end up giving you some really great stories.
You're going to wish you had taken more chances. But trust me, when the time is right, you'll know. It's not going to be easy to put yourself first. You'll struggle to push aside expectations from people in your life... you have wrapped them around you like a life vest, but eventually you realize that it just makes it harder to breathe. Be brave and let them go. You're going to be surprised with what you choose for yourself. Just remember: there is no deadline. Whatever happens is going to happen right on time.
I just want you to be bold. It isn't always easy. And sometimes you're not going to get it right the first time. But don't ever stop trying. I promise you... the best days of your life are still ahead.
XO
AMEN!!
ReplyDeleteThis is good! Thanks!
ReplyDelete"If nothing else, they end up giving you some really great stories.".... Yes, the "empty chair picture" saga is definitely a great story!
ReplyDeleteI think that's one of the best ones, hands down!
DeleteThe secret to adulthood that they don't tell you when you're young is that nobody actually knows what they're doing. They just pretend like they do until they stumble into themselves and act like it was on purpose.
ReplyDeleteGOOD TO KNOW! You are too cute! <3