In my opinion, bouncing seems to imply a sort of erratic, happy gracefulness. I imagine that floating feeling you get when you're suspended mid-air on a trampoline or the way a beach ball slowly bounces from hand to hand at a summer concert. But then there's another bouncing, like one of those rubber balls you throw at the ground and have to chase after it once it shoots away. THAT is the bouncing I'm talking about. Much less graceful. Much less predictable. Still happy and exhilirating, but it gets pretty exhausting after you chase that ball enough.
After talking on the phone a few weeks ago with Kim, one of my oldest and dearest friends, I got to thinking about habits and routines and whether it was possible to live by absolutely no pattern but to still thrive off of routine. She called to my attention that, while my ideas about career possibilities and new cities are constantly changing, absolutely nothing I do surprises her anymore because there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to any of it. And I think, for the most part that she's right. But at the same time, I crave the comfort of having a plan that helps to drive me from day to day. Is it possible to be both random and predictable at the same time?
Consider me, Exhibit A. It's totally possible, because I'm doing it all the time. I rarely settle in to a new place before I start itching for something different, but I always long for that comfort feeling that comes along with doing the same thing over and over. In spite of my crave for randomness, I am as predictable as they come.
My first SCU friend, Megan, finally made her way out to Indiana this summer. I was estatic because I wanted her to see the bits and pieces of me that exist here. We had an absolute blast. We went to the lake, lounged by the dock, sipped wine with my mother and rehashed some of our favorite memories of that first semester of college. It's so weird to think that after four years, three new schools and somewhere around 3,000 miles haven't had an effect on my friendship with Megan. It's amazing to realize how simple friendship can really be once you get down to the heart of it all. It's frustrating too because whenever I spend time with them out in California, I find myself wishing that I could take everything back. I want to go back to that day in November 2006 when I decided that I needed to be closer to home. What was I thinking?! How could I have chosen to leave such awesome people (not to mention incredible weather) behind?
Regret is such an odd emotion. And when it comes to trying to understand all the things that brought me here, regret hardly seems like the appropriate word. How can I regret something when so much other good has been brought into my life? That's what I keep telling myself. I am one of the luckiest people that I know purely because of all of the people I have met in the last four years. Had I not transfered from SCU, I never would have gotten that "college-town" experience that Miami had to offer. Sure, Miami was a little hard on me in the self-esteem department, but I find it hard to say I completely regret it because that's what drove me to Florence and then to Chicago where I managed to meet some of the best friends I could have ever hoped to find.
What I have realized is that along with that overwhelming urge for excitement and possibility also comes an immense responsibility to stick to my decisions. Every single day we are making decisions that inevitably alter where we end up. From seemingly meaningless events such as deciding between a soup or a salad at lunch, to huge, life-altering decisions like moving from California to Ohio, it affects EVERYTHING. As easy as it is to jot new dreams down on a sheet of paper and imagine what life would be like once they came true, it just can't work that way. You make a decision. You stick with it. You don't get a rewind or a do-over once you find yourself missing what you had.
After talking on the phone a few weeks ago with Kim, one of my oldest and dearest friends, I got to thinking about habits and routines and whether it was possible to live by absolutely no pattern but to still thrive off of routine. She called to my attention that, while my ideas about career possibilities and new cities are constantly changing, absolutely nothing I do surprises her anymore because there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to any of it. And I think, for the most part that she's right. But at the same time, I crave the comfort of having a plan that helps to drive me from day to day. Is it possible to be both random and predictable at the same time?
Consider me, Exhibit A. It's totally possible, because I'm doing it all the time. I rarely settle in to a new place before I start itching for something different, but I always long for that comfort feeling that comes along with doing the same thing over and over. In spite of my crave for randomness, I am as predictable as they come.
My first SCU friend, Megan, finally made her way out to Indiana this summer. I was estatic because I wanted her to see the bits and pieces of me that exist here. We had an absolute blast. We went to the lake, lounged by the dock, sipped wine with my mother and rehashed some of our favorite memories of that first semester of college. It's so weird to think that after four years, three new schools and somewhere around 3,000 miles haven't had an effect on my friendship with Megan. It's amazing to realize how simple friendship can really be once you get down to the heart of it all. It's frustrating too because whenever I spend time with them out in California, I find myself wishing that I could take everything back. I want to go back to that day in November 2006 when I decided that I needed to be closer to home. What was I thinking?! How could I have chosen to leave such awesome people (not to mention incredible weather) behind?
Regret is such an odd emotion. And when it comes to trying to understand all the things that brought me here, regret hardly seems like the appropriate word. How can I regret something when so much other good has been brought into my life? That's what I keep telling myself. I am one of the luckiest people that I know purely because of all of the people I have met in the last four years. Had I not transfered from SCU, I never would have gotten that "college-town" experience that Miami had to offer. Sure, Miami was a little hard on me in the self-esteem department, but I find it hard to say I completely regret it because that's what drove me to Florence and then to Chicago where I managed to meet some of the best friends I could have ever hoped to find.
What I have realized is that along with that overwhelming urge for excitement and possibility also comes an immense responsibility to stick to my decisions. Every single day we are making decisions that inevitably alter where we end up. From seemingly meaningless events such as deciding between a soup or a salad at lunch, to huge, life-altering decisions like moving from California to Ohio, it affects EVERYTHING. As easy as it is to jot new dreams down on a sheet of paper and imagine what life would be like once they came true, it just can't work that way. You make a decision. You stick with it. You don't get a rewind or a do-over once you find yourself missing what you had.
"I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations. One can either do this or that. My honest opinion, and my friendly advice, is this: do it or do not do it- you will regret both." -Soren Kierkegaard
The quote is so true! No matter what a persons decision, they will always wonder what would have happened if they made the pther choice. WE will never know what would have happened if you stayed at scu, but what we do know is that your happy and have probably learned more thand most of us. You are a great person and friend and I hope that everyone tales time to read your very thought provoking blogs!
ReplyDelete<3 you!